Pilot Baru Lulus

Seorang pilot yang baru saja lulus dari sekolah penerbangan disuruh komandan untuk mencoba sebuah helikopter, alangkah malangnya di ketinggian 1000m tiba2x jatuh.

Sang pilot selamat dan ketika diselidiki ternyata tidak ada satupun kesalahan baik dari menara bandara ataupun mesin.

Lalu banyak yang menjadi penasaran ketika ditanyakan kepada sang pilot, sang pilot berkata bahwa waktu pertama-tama terbang sang pilot tidak merasakan apa2, tetapi pada ketinggian 1000m sang pilot mulai kedinginan.

“lalu,” sang pilot berkata: kipas yang diatas saya matiin”.

CERITA LUCU DI PESAWAT

Ada tiga orang cewek sedang naik pesawat. Satu orang Jawa, satu lagi Manado dan cewek satunya lagi orang Papua. Tiba tiba dalam perjalanan, cuaca sangat buruk sehingga pesawat oleng. Pramugari pun sibuk mengumumkan bahwa penerbangan sedang memasuki cuaca sangat buruk. Para penumpang dipersilahkan mengenakan sabuk pengaman dan duduk di tempat masing masing. Ketiga cewek ini bukannya memasang tali pengaman malah sibuk dengan urusannya sendiri sendiri.

Si cewek Jawa sibuk berdandan sampai kelihatan cantik. Orang orang di sekitarnya heran dan bertanya tanya.

ORANG 1 : "Mbak kok malah sibuk berdandan sih, nggak denger ya tadi pengumuman ? ganjen banget sih..."
Dengan santai Si Cewek Jawa menjawab.
CEWEK JAWA : Nanti kan kalau pesawat jatuh, yang ditolongin pertama kali pasti orang yang cantik cantik...

Si Cewek Manado tidak mau kalah, dia langsung mengangkat roknya tinggi tinggi sehingga pahanya terlihat jelas.
ORANG 2 : "Mbak ngapain angkat rok ? Nggak tau situasi lagi gawat ya ?"
Tanpa beban apa apa si cewek Manado menjawab.
CEWEK MANADO : Kalau pesawat jatuh yang ditolong pertama kali pasti yang pahanya putih putih...

Orang Papua kebakaran jenggot. Langsung saja dia membuka baju dan celananya hingga telanjang bulat. Orang orang berteriak kaget melihat Cewek Papua ini. Seorang penumpang memberanikan bertanya.

ORANG 3 : Heh... kenapa kamu telanjang, sudah gila ya ? tidak tau kau pesawat so mau jatuh ini....
Dengan santainya Cewek Papua itu menjawab.
CEWEK PAPUA : Justru itu... kalau pesawat jatuh biasanya yang dicari pertama kali apa ?
Kotak hitam toh ?

Pilot dan teknisi

Setiap setelah suatu penerbangan, seorang pilot akan mengisi form yang
berisikan masalah2 yang ditemuinya sebelum,ketika, dan setelah
penerbangan. Kemudian teknisi akan mengeceknya, memberikan respon, lalu
memberikan form kepada pilot sebelum penerbangan selanjutnya supaya
pilot dapat mereview penerbangan2nya.Berikut ini adalah salah satu
form, dari sebuah airline yang ternyata tidak pernah mengalami kecelakaan

Pilot: Roda utama sebelah kiri HAMPIR lepas
Teknisi: Roda utama sebelah kiri HAMPIR diganti.

Pilot: Penerbangan OK, pendaratan otomatis masih terlalu kasar.
Teknisi: Pendaratan otomatis tidak terpasang di pesawat ini.

Pilot: Ada suatu bagian mesin yang longgar di kokpit.
Teknisi: Ada suatu bagian mesin yang diperketat di kokpit.

Pilot: Serangga mati di kaca depan.
Teknisi: Yang masih hidup ada di belakang.

Pilot: Auto pilot untuk mempertahankan ketinggian menyebabkan pesawat turun 200m setiap menitnya.
Teknisi: Tidak dapat dites di darat.Masalah selesai.

Pilot: Ada bukti kebocoran di gigi roda kanan peralatan pendaratan.
Teknisi: Bukti disingkirkan.

Pilot: Volume suara DME luar biasa keras.
Teknisi: Volume suara DME diturunkan ke tingkat yang lebih biasa.

Pilot: Kunci anti gesekan menyebabkan pedal gas pesawat terkunci.
Teknisi: Itulah gunanya kunci anti gesek.

Pilot: IFF tidak dapat bekerja dalam OFF mode.
Teknisi: IFF selalu tidak bekerja dalam OFF mode.

Pilot: Ada kecurigaan kaca depan retak.
Teknisi: Kecurigaan anda benar.

Pilot: Mesin nomor 3 tidak ada.
Teknisi: Mesin nomor 3 ditemukan di sayap sebelah kanan.

Pilot: Kontrol pesawat bergerak dengan konyol.
Teknisi: Kontrol pesawat telah diperingatkan untuk tidak berbuat konyol,terbang dengan benar,dan serius dalam menjalankan tugas.

Pilot: Radar target berdeham ringan.
Teknisi: Diprogram ulang supaya ditambah lirik.

Pilot: Ditemukan obyek "Tikus" di kokpit.
Teknisi: Obyek "Kucing" dalam proses instalasi.

Pilot: ada suara ribut dari dalam panel kontrol.Suaranya seperti seekor kurcaci mengetuk2 dengan palu besi.
Teknisi: Palu besi dicabut dari kurcaci.

Penerbangan Haji

Pada sebuah penerbangan Garuda Airlines yang mengangkut para
jamaah haji dari Indonesia. Ketika sudah hampir dekat dengan bandara
di Jeddah, tampaknya pesawat tersebut mengalami gangguan.
Masker oksigen mulai berjatuhan dan para penumpangnya mulai
terlihat panik. Sang pilot lalu mengontak menara pengawas penerbangan
di bandara Jeddah untuk meminta bantuan :
"Menara Jeddah, di sini Kapten Rudy, Garuda Airlines 878, apakah anda
mendengar?"
"Garuda 878, di sini menara Jeddah, silahkan"
"Menara Jeddah, di sini Garuda 878, kami sedang ada masalah yang gawat"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, tolong jelaskan masalahnya"
"Di sini Garuda 878, mesin kami kehilangan tenaga, mohon petunjuk"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, kami mendengar anda, tolong dicek beberapa hal
buat kami, OK?"
"Di sini Garuda 878, silahkan"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, apakah anda bisa menghidupkan tenaga cadangan
di mesin anda?"
"Di sini Garuda 878, negatif, sudah tidak ada tenaga sama sekali"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, dapatkah anda menurunkan ketinggian menjadi
20,000 feet?"
"Di sini Garuda 878, negatif, pengontrol sayap kami tidak ada respon"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, dapatkan anda mengeluarkan roda pendaratnya"
"Di sini Garuda 878, negatif, roda pendaratnya macet, tidak dapat dikeluarkan"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, dapatkan anda mengulang apa yang saya ucapkan?"
"Di sini Garuda 878, silahkan"
"Di sini menara Jeddah, tolong ulangi kata-kata ini :
Asshadualla illa hailAllah, wa ashaduanna Muhammaddan rosulullah"

Training the blonde

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A Skydiving lesson

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Commandments of Helicopter Flying

* He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
* Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.
* Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction.
* Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
* Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
* Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
* Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction.
* He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
* He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children.
* Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.

What's the purpose of the propeller?

What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

The difference between God and pilots

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

* I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
* Me? I've never busted minimums.
* We will be on time, maybe even early.
* Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
* I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
* I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
* All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
* I'm a member of the mile high club.
* I only need glasses for reading.
* I broke out right at minimums.
* The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
* Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
* If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
* I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
* We shipped the part yesterday.
* I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
* All you have to do is follow the book.
* This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
* We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
* Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
* I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
* No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
* Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
* We'll be home by lunchtime.
* Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
* I'm always glad to see the FAA.
* We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
* It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
* I thought YOU took care of that.
* I've got the field in sight.
* I've got the traffic in sight.
* Of course I know where we are.
* I'm SURE the gear was down.

Dream flying planes

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.

Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.

Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."